~ He will cover you with His feathers. He will shelter you with His wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection" - Psalm 91:4~
Today is the day. I’m gonna follow my dreams. It may be a competitive race to run. It may be the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I’m gonna do it. A wise man once said “You have to have the skill and the will. But the will must be stronger than the skill.” Time to step it up. I’m going to use the talents that the Good Lord gave me. I may even fail. But that’s okay! If I fail, at least I’ve tried. But hey! Maybe I won’t ;) I’m tired of allowing fear to control what I do (or do NOT do in this case). You have to work for what you want. We have ONE life. Why not try?
Life can be so sweet. Friends, laughter, and a purpose makes everything seem perfect. Nature is beautiful. We are SO alive. Yet, somehow.. somewhere in between, love is taken for granted. People cry. Hearts are broken. Lives are flipped upside down. Days start out bright and slowly fade to gray, while this fire inside is slowly dimming out. A fire meant to shine a light in the darkest places of this earth, isn’t being used. It’s being masked by insecurities, fear, apathy, and selfishness. We are broken. We live a dull, boring, mediocre life. We go to our 8am class, then to work to pay for the $500 apartment we just HAD to have. We stay up until 2am partying, talking, sitting, or doing whatever, just to have to get up in 5 hours and do it all again. Man, are we awesome or what?!
We call ourselves Christians. We call ourselves FOLLOWERS OF CHRIST, yet we live to please the people most important to us. We live for people when we should be living for God. We ALL have a purpose. Yet, we push it aside because it involves actual effort. Living a holy life, being an example of Christ to everyone around us is just TOO hard to do. We are being asked WAY too much.
If we are TRULY in love with our God, we will NOT make excuses! If loving people and spreading the Good News was important for Christ to do, why isn’t it important to us??
When life hands you love
You take it and run
Without the thought
that it could be wrong
Time goes by
and you don’t know why
But you feel there’s more
than just this ride you jumped on.
Sometimes people are meant to be
but sometimes people are meant to be freed
There’s no telling in this crazy life
Whether it’s hello for good
Or just the good in the bye
So I’ll keep the box
and you’ll keep the memories
We’ll exchange all the bitterness
for less of an ending like this.
Driving past your daddy’s house
Wondering if you’ll walk out
laughing and rambling
about them good old days
You and I
Talking about the rest of our life.
When loving you was oh so wild,
When we were young and free.
I feel like every bone inside of me is breaking. I can’t stop thinking about regret and mistakes. I let you go because I felt like it was what was best. But how can something that seemed so right 24 hours ago be so wrong now? I can’t take being away from you, knowing how hurt you are. And what’s even worse, I’m the cause of that pain. All day, I have tried to keep myself busy so I don’t have to think about it, yet you crept in like a bug making its way into an unwanted house. Only the funny thing is, that if I am to say you are unwanted, I would be lying to myself. I have pretended to be strong in front of you, my closest friends, and the world. It’s just me pretending when all I want to do is fall apart. My heart feels like someone is squeezing it to the point where it physically hurts to think, feel, and breathe without you. We’ve gone days without being together, but knowing that this isn’t just another busy day that we can’t see each other, changes everything. You have changed my life. On paper, it looks like we shouldn’t be together, but don’t you understand? I’ve never felt so hurt in my life being away from you. I am trying so hard to be strong for this, but I am crumbling. I literally feel nothing except broken, crushed, sad, lonely, and being the reason for your hurt that is two thousand times worse kills me. It kills me because I know that right now, through the pain, what you need is greater than anything I can provide for you. What kills me is knowing that this pain I feel is going to go on for days, weeks, and maybe even months. What kills me is knowing that the second I see you for the first time again, and possibly even several times after that, I am not going to be able to contain the pain that clings to me when I see the hurt I’ve caused. What kills me is how upset I get when someone refers to you or mentions your name. And you know what? What kills me the most is that I can’t be the one you need right now. I would come running back to you if I knew it would be best for you. If I didn’t see the Lord moving ALREADY, I would ask for your forgiveness and beg for you to take me back. I would forever apologize for putting you through such hell and thank God for you every second, knowing we were together and happy again. And this is the part where life sucks. No matter how much pain and despair and forsaken we feel, what’s best for the both of us is what is happening right now. These tears that are flowing from my eyes like water being gushed out of a dam are meant to be here. Lord knows I don’t understand why. Oh, what I would give to understand why. Why is it taking me hurting you for Him to move? Why has it gotten to this point? Why must we be tortured by memories, thoughts, and emotion? Torture is what I would compare this to. Severe Pain. My heart has never felt such despair. Yet, I pray to God. I pray that He comforts you in this time of sorrow and indistinguishable pain. I pray that He turns the heartbreak you are feeling right now into love and faithfulness towards Him. I pray that He puts the right people in your life to teach you and to guide you in the ways of our wise and holy God. And I pray for forgiveness. Not from you. I don’t deserve forgiveness from you. I have let things get out of hand and have broken such a wonderful, perfectly created heart. No, I pray for forgiveness from the Lord, for not being obedient in the first place. I never meant for this to happen. Honestly, I loved you. And I’m only using it in the past tense because I am trying not to make you stumble even more than you are now. I’m beginning to realize what true love really is. It’s Jesus and realizing how much we all need him because of what he has done for us. Letting you go so that we may be growing and understanding who Christ is and what His TRUE purpose was, is something that I will never apologize for. No matter how much I wish we could have grown together, I think we need to have grown more on our own before we could have ever tackled a relationship. You have made my life something spectacular, you know. You have opened my eyes to so many unspeakably wonderful things. And I truly hope one day, we will be able to see what ” growing together” feels like. But more than anything, I will pray that God’s will be done in both of our lives.
Thank you doesn’t even begin to unravel my gratefulness for you. But those are the words I have. So, thank you… for everything.